


In The Lonely Hour

by marvelousfvcks



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Cheating, F/M, Implied/Referenced Torture, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-11-30 13:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11464122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelousfvcks/pseuds/marvelousfvcks
Summary: Bucky Barnes has spent his whole life waiting for you but after the fall and his time with HYDRA, he thought his chance of finding you was over. But after joining the Avengers and meeting you - the girl he’d been waiting his whole life for - Bucky starts to question if he really can get his happily-ever-after, or if it really is too late.





	1. Make It To Me

> _You’re the one designed for me_  
>  A distant stranger that I will complete  
> I know you’re out there we’re meant to be  
> So keep your head up and make it to me  
> Make it to me

In the 30’s Bucky Barnes had many hopes for the future; he was going to find a steady job, a nice house, but most importantly he was going to get the most perfect girl: he had never met her but he knew in the deepest depths of his heart that she was out there. That the universe would put aside this one girl who would have been carved from the stars just for him, and he would spend the rest of his life trying to be worthy of her.

He spent most of his days searching for her, the nameless, faceless girl that haunted his dreams in the best possible ways, dragging Steve to dance halls and clubs all across Brooklyn in the vein hope he would stumble upon her. Steve never really knew what Bucky was looking for, not being able to understand why he couldn’t just pick one of the many girls that threw themselves at him and make something with them, why he had to chase a dream when he could have something  _real_.

“Trust me Stevie, she’s gonna be worth all this waitin’, you’ll see!”

“Buck, what if you never  _actually_  find her?” Steve’s voice was timid, almost as if he feared how Bucky would respond. And in a way, he did, for as long as Steve had known Bucky he’d been captivated by the idea of his fantasy girl and he had no idea what would happen if Bucky realised that the chances of her existing were next to nothing.  

Bucky’s steps faltered beside Steve’s until he came to a complete stop, the blonde halting beside him, peering up at his friend as an unreadable expression crossed Bucky’s features, “Steve – you just gotta believe me. I  _know_  she’s out there: she’s just gotta make it to me is all.”

That was the last time it was ever discussed between the pair, the world changing so much in so short a period that neither of them had time to ponder over the reality of  _her_. The war tore through Europe and soon America was sending over their own boys in boots to help fight the good fight. Even after he was drafted, Bucky’s thoughts stayed on his girl: whilst other soldiers tried to anticipate the horrors waiting for them, Bucky only thought of the warm embrace he was certain to find once he returned home.  

The idea of  _if_  he returned home never entered his head. He knew she was out there, he knew he’d meet her, he knew he’d love her. Raging war be damned, he’d make it back to her. His dream girl. He had to.

The war thundered on, only increasing in violence and destruction, and Bucky felt hollow with the horrors he had seen, the inhumane experiences of war he had endured. In all honesty, Bucky tried to push his girl from his thoughts, not wanting her to be corrupted by the atrocities he was witnessing, what he was  _doing_. This all proved much harder when he and his regiment were captured by HYDRA and he spent many a long day tied down to a gurney, countless scientists and soldiers prodding him, pumping his veins filled with vials of unknown substances, torturing him for information he refused to give.

This was when his mind sought her out the most, when he really felt like he  _needed_  her: whilst his voice was raspy repeating his name, rank, and serial number, his body feeling drained of all life as he lay there unable to move, his mind raced with thoughts of his girl. The way her smile could light all of Brooklyn, the melody of her laugh that he could spend the rest of his lifetime listening to, sparkling eyes that would light up when she saw him, mirroring his own, the safety of her arms that awaited him when they were  _finally_  united.

The thought of her was what carried him through most days, she alone gave him a reason to make it through each agonising moment. And then Steve came along; taller, bigger, and still as stupidly headstrong, rescuing Bucky and his squadron whilst wearing one of the tightest outfits Bucky had ever seen. Just like that, he was thrown back into action, Steve – or Captain as his rack now stated – forming the Howling Commandos and destroying every HYDRA base they came about. Bucky tried to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, that he was on the side of good and that Nazi’s and HYDRA were hurting more people than he was.

It didn’t help, guilt still ate at him as he took the lives of countless soldier’s – most of them were just boy’s following orders after all – they had no idea why they were fighting, if he really wanted to end the war he’d have to kill their ideals. But no matter how much Bucky wanted to – he couldn’t kill an idea. Bucky did what he had to, followed every order without fail, getting his hands dirty in ways he never thought he would in order to prevent Steve from doing it; Steve was Captain America, the new hope for the USA, the one that would save the world, Bucky wasn’t. He was the Sergeant, the sniper, he took lives in ways that haunted him and honestly that scared him.

He wondered what she would think off all of this, the horrors he committed: would she understand? Would she comfort him?  _Would she forgive him_? That last one stuck with him the most, he needed her to forgive him for what he did, to tell him that it was the war and that war makes monsters of men but he wasn’t  _that_  monster. Not when he was home with her anyway.

Then Bucky’s world changed in way’s he could never have anticipated. The fight on Zola’s train went from bad to worse, until he was suddenly hanging on for his life on a loose metal bar above a frozen ravine, heart pounding in his chest as Steve’s cry of his name carried on the icy wind whipping across his numb cheeks.  Bucky tried to grasp Steve’s out-stretched hand but he could feel the final bolts slowly pulling away from the train wall, panic coursing through his body as the felt the metal bar slipping, him going with it.

The fall felt so slow, like it was done so he could experience everything one last time; Steve’s retreating form on the still moving train, the small snowflakes gracefully falling alongside him, the  _thud-thud_  of his heart, the condensation of his breath in front of his face. Everything coming into razor sharp focus as he fell. Then his left side hit the jagged rock-face of the ravine and Bucky felt an excruciating pain as his arm was torn from his shoulder, blood staining his skin as it leaked from the open arteries. He still had so long to go before he would finally hit the bottom, would finally be put out off his misery, and his thoughts once again pondered to her.

And he was sorry, so  _so_  sorry for not making it back to her, for not being able to be there for her. He wondered if she even knew he existed, like he did her. Would she miss him? Or would she just go on as is nothing was different? Bucky didn’t know which idea caused him more anguish.

The impact didn’t kill him, God how he wished it would have: instead he lay there, barely conscious as he watched his blood taint the pure white snow beneath him. He speculated what would kill him first, the blood loss or the cold - he suspected he’d lose consciousness completely before death, he’d never have any clue what killed him. He hardly registered the fact that he was moving, his eyes unfocused, scarcely making out the two forms dragging him to God knows where.

This was when James Buchanan Barnes’ life truly changed – he would never be the same again, the Bucky the world once knew did die on that train and there was nothing anyone would be able to do to bring him back. He was taken away, tortured, removed from himself and moulded into something unrecognisable and the hands of HYDRA. His arm was replaced, metal seared into his skin that left him in pain days after it was done, his body pumped full of more serums as they made him stronger, faster – the new fist of HYDRA.

Bucky spent the next 70 years trapped within himself, watching as if he was drugged, slightly aware but unable to stop what he was doing, regardless of how much he wanted to. He was made to do unspeakable things, nothing he did in the war compared to the orders he was given now. And he completed them, every order, every mission a success. He didn’t have a choice.

He was dragged in and out of cryro for decades, the world moving on without him, every time he was pulled out for a new mission he somehow registered how much things had changed since the last time. He didn’t belong in the world anymore, he was a ghost, confined to the shadows – never allowed to step into the light. The light was for the things that could bare to be seen, Bucky was no longer one of these things. When he was left out long enough, parts of himself would come back together, small flashes of himself shining through and he wished more than anything that the fall from the train had killed him, that he’d taken a fatal hit in the war, that he got sick when he was younger and hadn’t been able to shake it off.

Any death was better than the life he was now forced to live.

And then life went and changed once again, he was sent after Steve and his memories of him broke through his programming, with some slight help from Steve after nearly killing him. He could remember his name for the first time in 70 years, he could remember his life in Brooklyn, he could remember Steve and the Commando’s, he could remember  _her_.

He was free: free from HYDRA’s control over him, free to leave, free to finally go home. Not that he had one anymore.

But Steve took him in, back to the Avengers who helped him recall all of his past, gave him the best therapy he could ask for, gave him a  _home_  for the first time in so long. The old Bucky Barnes was dead, the Soldat deceased – someone new was slowly being built with every day that passed. Someone new yet familiar. And honestly, that was enough for him.

For the first time in decades, Bucky thought about  _her_. He wanted more than anything to know what happened to her: if she got married, if she had kids, if she was happy – that was all he wanted for her. But he knew it was impossible, he had no idea who she was, he had no possible way of finding out. Honestly, Bucky was just relieved she’d never got to meet him, she’d never know of the horrors he’d done, of the monster he became.

That was until  _you_  walked in, a bounce in your step as you were finally home from your frankly far too long overseas mission. Everyone was gathered in the common room and their heads all snapped up at the sound of your voice ringing out, everyone rushing over to your form strutting into the room as if you’d never left. You’d gone on your mission just before Bucky had arrived at the tower but everyone told him all about you – he could tell that you were loved by each of them and a valued member of the team by the way they spoke so fondly about you.

Bucky watched as you embraced Steve, eyes sparkling just the way he thought they always would, smile just as knee-weakening as he predicted it would be. Bucky’s right hand got clammy as his heart pounded in his chest impossibly loud. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

You were his girl, the one Bucky had been waiting for his whole life, and you were less than three feet away from him. He just knew you were.

You finally made it home to him.


	2. Not In That Way

> _I’d never ask you_  
>  _‘Cause deep down I’m certain I know what you’d say_  
>  _You’d say I’m sorry_  
>  _Believe me  
> _ _I love you  
> _ _But not in that way_

Ever since you walked back into the tower Bucky had been following you around like a love-sick puppy, unable to tear himself away from you - not that he wanted to. He recalled when you first met, him walking straight over to you to introduce himself, his heart in his mouth as you turned those gorgeous eyes on him, his words stuck in his throat as he choked on them, completely captivated by the very real you standing in front of him. He had waited so long to find you and here you were, right in front of him, breathing the same air he was and Bucky just  _froze_.

It wasn’t until Steve slapped his hand on Bucky’s back that he snapped out of his stupor, his cheeks tinted a rosy red as he realised he’d been shamelessly gaping at you, your eyebrow quirked in question as to why this complete stranger was doing nothing but staring at you wide eyed and mouth hanging open comically.  The small upturn at the corners of your lips, however, told him you weren’t offended and your eyes were bright with mirth, practically glittering with humour and Bucky realised he’d never seen anyone with eyes quite like yours before.

Sure, lots of people had your colour but there was a life so visible in yours that couldn’t be found in anyone else’s, as if your soul was seeping through just for him to see. And then you giggled and Bucky was lost; his body a juxtaposition of bone-racking nerves and serene calm, his stomach turning and twisting whilst his heart beat slowed to the lowest it had ever been since before the war and Bucky quickly realised that he’d never felt like this before.

He didn’t think it was possible to feel like this, maybe he was the only man on the face of the earth to be lucky enough  _to_  feel this. And then it hit him: he felt  _lucky_. A feeling he’d never thought would enter his head again since HYDRA and yet here he was, contemplating how he must the luckiest man on the entire planet because you were actually standing in front of him and  _giggling_.

“I’m Y/N, you must be Bucky? Steve’s told me a lot about you, I’m so glad we finally get to meet,” Your voice was warm, so inviting and safe and Bucky wanted nothing more than to listen to you tell him about your day or what you needed to get from the store, he wanted to hear you tell him everything was going to be alright after one of his nightmares and that you’d be with him no matter what.

Your hand reached out for his, slender fingers wrapping around his scared skin and your touch alone sent electricity shooting through every nerve in his body, accumulating at his heart where the sparks dwindled down to a soothing warmth. The sensation shocked Bucky so much he had to double check it wasn’t his cybernetic arm she was holding and that he wasn’t actually being electrocuted where he stood by a malfunction with the wiring.

“Hi, y-yeah I’m Bucky, it’s nice to meet you too.” He stumbled on his words like it was the first time he’d spoken in years but all his embarrassment was soon forgotten when you gave him the most breath-taking smile he had ever seen and he decided right then and there that it was his favourite thing in the whole world.  

That slight meeting was all the conformation Bucky needed to know in the deepest depth of his heart that you were the one he had been waiting for his whole life.  And that terrified him. He wasn’t the same man from the 40’s anymore; large, unfamiliar crowds made him unbelievably nervous now, a peaceful night’s sleep was a blessing, there was blood on his hands that could never be cleaned off – what the hell would you ever want to do with him?

The next morning you unintentionally showed Bucky exactly how wrong he was; as he was eating his breakfast alone in the kitchen, you plopped down into the seat next to him cradling your head in your hand as your eyes danced across his face. Bucky tensed under your unwavering stare, glancing at you from the corner of his eye before turning towards you with a raised brow.

“Uh, hi?”

A grin broke out on your face as Bucky spoke, “Hi.”

“Can I help you with something?” Bucky questioned, so unsure of himself and where the hell this was leading.

“Actually - yes, you can,” A flash of nervousness ran through Bucky but he nodded, silently telling you to continue, “So, Steve told me you’ve been missing out on life for the last 70 years and that means that you haven’t seen F.R.I.E.N.D.S, right?”

“Uh – no…”

Bucky panicked for a moment, what exactly had Steve told you about him? That panic soon melted away when you reached out to lightly squeeze his arm reassuringly, a warm smile crossing your lips.

“Don’t worry Bucky, he didn’t give me any details, if you want me to know you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

Bucky shot you a small smile, the both of you simply getting lost in the easy stillness that settled over you, it was a surprise to Bucky how comfortable he felt with you so soon after meeting, it normally took some time for him to find a comfortable ease around people he didn’t know, yet here you were.

“Anyway, get your ass up and in the theatre room in 5 Buck-boy, we got ten seasons we have to get through – God you’re so behind old man,” And just like that she was up and leaving the room, muttering under her breath about just how much she had to catch him up on. Bucky watched after her retreating form stunned, eyes lingering where she had disappeared through the door not seconds before.

“Barnes! Come on, haul ass - you’re gonna miss it!” Your voice rang out from the other room spooking the captivated super solider and Bucky jumped up to go join you.

Ever since that moment you were inseparable from each other, forming a connection with you that Bucky had never felt with another person before and he only hoped beyond hope that you felt a fraction for him what he felt for you. It started off light; you would help him catch up on everything he missed – starting with F.R.I.E.N.D.S that you quickly binged watched together – and everything else that you deemed unmissable. Bucky was willing to watch, listen, read anything you gave him: anything to get to spend more time with you, he was quick becoming addicted with your very presence and he’d do anything to get his fix.

One night as the ending credits rolled on The Matrix, Bucky turned to you, looking the most vulnerable you had ever seen. You knew Bucky had his good and bad days but you never knew why; of course, you never pressured him into telling you anything, only offering support to him when you could, but the misery in his eyes compelled you to ask him what was wrong.

“Buck, what’s going on?” You reached out to gently grasp his hand with yours, entwining your fingers and giving him a reassuring squeeze.

“Y/N… I’ve killed people,” His raspy voice and tear-filled eyes told you there was more to that statement than he was letting on.

You shifted slightly closer to him on the sofa, even after all the time you two spent together Bucky kept an amicable distance between the two of you but right now you  _needed_  to comfort him, “Talk to me Bucky, tell me what happened.”

And so, he did. Bucky told you everything, every single thing he could remember; he told you about the war and what he did as the sniper of the commandos, of the guilt that stirred in him and of the monster war made of men. He told you about the train and how goddamn terrified he was when he felt that bar come loose. He told you about HYDRA and their torture and mind games and  _missions_. He told you how he couldn’t even remember himself anymore but he could remember the face of every single life he took, he told you how they haunted him at night, plaguing his dreams until he woke in a cold sweat. He told you how he was worse than a monster, less than human, soulless and damaged beyond repair. He told you how selfish he was for putting this on you. He told you things he hadn’t even told Steve.

He didn’t tell you how he dreamed of you since before you were even born. He didn’t tell you how he knew you were made for him. He didn’t tell you how the thought of you alone was what made him pull through every dark moment he ever had and ever will. Because if Bucky was being honest with himself, part of him hated that you were in front of him, that you had to see him like this and not the man he was before the wrath of war and suffering of HYDRA broke him apart and moulded him into something new. Maybe once upon a time he was the kind of man that would have been able to be worthy of you, but now he was just a distorted shadow of his former self, a ghost of what once was and if Bucky knew one thing it was that you were worth more than that.

You two stayed up for hours that night as Bucky unleashed every detail upon you, everything Bucky had told you left you in a state of shock, your chest feeling like it was being compressed by a heavy weight as you heard of all the things this poor, beautiful man had been put through, of the guilt that ate at him even though he wasn’t given a choice. He was robbed of himself and yet he still believed the blame was on him. You tried to wipe the tears away without Bucky knowing but of course his keen eyes caught the movement, his fingers gently wiping the tears from your cheeks as he gave you a watery smile.

Your thumb ran circles on the back of his hand reassuringly, as you tried to prevent the wavering of your voice, “Bucky, what happened is… well, it’s  _horrendous_. I can’t even begin to imagine knowing what it must have been like but you must understand that you are the victim here. Every time they made you take a life, they took two victims – you’re one too. The more you blame yourself for what they did to you,  _what they made you do_ , the more HYDRA gets away with it. They have to be held responsible for what they did to you Buck.”

Bucky couldn’t believe what he was hearing, you didn’t blame him, he told you everything that happened, every single detail and you were still accepting him. You both sat there in silence, no more words needed that night, your hand still intertwined with Bucky’s.

“Buck, you know if you ever need anyone, I’m right here, right?”

He did know. And it amazed him.

Ever since that night your friendship with Bucky completely evolved, your connection to each other was deeper and the emotional trust building between you was unparalleled to anything you’d ever shared with another person. Whenever Bucky had a nightmare he sought you out for comfort, you were able to read his moods better than anyone and you knew when something seemingly mundane was becoming too much for him. But this wasn’t just one way; Bucky knew when your day was just getting to much for you, he knew when you needed to just sit in the quiet away from everyone else, and he knew when you just needed to be held, feeling safe in his arms away from the chaos of everything.

What Bucky also knew was that he was irrevocably in love with you. Unfortunately for him he wasn’t the only one to notice.

“So, when exactly are you going to tell Y/N how you feel?”

Bucky nearly choked on his coffee, sputtering as he stared at Steve like a deer caught in headlights. He tried to cover his astound with his coughing fit, beating his fist against his chest for good measure but the pointed stare he got from Steve told him he was fooling no one.

With a reluctant sigh, he hung his head, knowing there was no point lying to Steve –  _especially_ Steve – when he thought he was on to something he was like a dog with a bone, he refused to give up until he got the answers he wanted. “That obvious, huh?”

“Yep.” Steve popped the p – to piss Bucky off or to emphasise how damn obvious he had been, Bucky wasn’t sure.

“I can’t tell her Steve,” Bucky sighed out before hastily continuing, “And neither can you!”

If Steve Rogers like to do one thing it was meddle and Bucky was going to make damn sure he left his feelings for Y/N well alone.

“I don’t understand why you can’t-”

“Because Steve I know what she’d say; she’d tell him I’m one of her best friends and I mean a lot to her. Hell, she’d probably tell me she loves me, just not in  _that_  way. I mean, how could she? As much as she tries to help me it doesn’t replace what I am, I’m still so fucking broken and she sees the worst of that. Sure, she’s my friend – an incredible friend - but she would never want to be with me that way: she’d have to be crazy to want that.”

“Buck, I-”

“No Steve. I  _need_  her in my life, if we stay the rest of our lives as nothing more than friends then I’m still one of the luckiest people in the world.”

Steve gaped up at Bucky, he’d never seen him so  _raw_  before and his heart shattered as he heard his best friend put himself down so harshly, put his happiness aside because he thought you deserved more than him.

“Remember when we were kids in Brooklyn, I’d drag you ‘round every dance hall I could to try and find that one girl I was convinced was made for me?”

Steve could only nod mutely.

“Well, I finally found her Stevie.”


	3. I'm Not The Only One

> _You’ve been so unavailable_  
>  Now sadly I know why  
> Your heart is unobtainable  
> Even though you don’t share mine

The conversation Bucky had with Steve did nothing to change his mind; he wasn’t going to tell you how he felt, he couldn’t risk you like that. You were such a vital part of Bucky’s life now and even though every fibre of his being  _screamed_  for more, he wouldn’t allow it, reasoning with himself that if he truly loved you then he’d let you go and find someone better than him, someone who could give you everything you needed. Someone who wasn’t  _so_  fucking damaged.

But the thought of you in the arms of someone else made him feel sick, his heart twisting in his chest until he found it hard to breathe, nevertheless he pushed those thoughts aside. Bucky would just have to cross that bridge when he got there, until then he’d treasure every moment he got to spend with you.

You and Bucky spent most days together and at this point everyone in the tower expected it, knowing wherever one of you were the other wasn’t far behind. Being with Bucky was just easy and you loved spending time with him above everyone else. And honestly that was becoming a problem for you; your feelings for Bucky were growing beyond the parameters of friendship and into something much more profound.

Bucky had always kept some distance from you and it was completely understandable after what he’d been through; there was always some space between you on the couch when you watched films, his breath would always hitch when you accidently brushed hands and you always left it to him to initiate contact because you didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. God, that was the last thing you would ever want.

The only time Bucky ever really came to you for physical comfort was after his nightmares and you were more than happy to pull him into your arms, fingers gliding through his hair as your other hand soothingly stroked up and down his back as he buried his face in your neck. His strangled breathing would even out into deep exhales and the tension his body held would melt away under your touch. This was when you hated yourself the most. What kind of a person would wait with anticipation for the man they loved to have a nightmare just so they could comfort them, so they could pull them into their embrace because they simply couldn’t any other time?

You knew your feelings for Bucky were becoming far too overwhelming and you couldn’t risk him finding out, you couldn’t put that pressure on him – Bucky was still recovering from everything he had been through, the last thing he needed was one of his best friends throwing themselves at him. So, you decided to do something about it.

The screen was lit up with yet another film, you and Bucky were watching the Godfather films today but as usual, Bucky spent more time watching you than the movie, it was one of the rare times he could indulge in simply observing you without you noticing, far too enraptured in the film to detect his gaze. The chime coming from your phone confused him, everyone knew that you two were watching films and the rest of the team let you be when you were, so who was messaging you? His brows furrowed in confusion as a smile grew on your face as you read over the message you’d received, fingers tapping out a quick reply before you quickly put the phone down. Bucky thought that would be the last of it but the chime from your phone rang out again, him glaring at the device that was interrupting your time together.

You smiled once again at whatever was written on the screen and Bucky felt an uneasiness building within him, his stomach sinking as a thousand different scenarios ran through his mind a mile a minute.

“Who’s that?” He tried to sound casual but the scratchiness of his throat prevented it, he could only hope you thought it was because he hadn’t spoken throughout the film.

Your head shot up, not realising Bucky had been watching the whole exchange as your cheeks heated up under his questioning gaze. “Um, it’s just Chad, he wants to know when I’m free.”

_Chad? Who the fuck was Chad?_

“Who’s Chad?” God, he hoped he didn’t sound as unbelievably jealous as he felt.

“You know; he’s one of the newer agents, works in the technology labs in hacking?”

Yep, Bucky knew Chad. And he hated him. He leered at you like a piece of meat whenever he saw you, cocksure smirk plastered across his face like he thought he could get you at the drop of a hat. Bucky wanted nothing more than to send the guy to med bay with some interesting injuries whenever he saw him shamelessly trailing his eyes across your body. Of course, like you were with Bucky, you were completely oblivious to Chad’s eyes on you.

Why the hell were you messaging this tool?

“Oh, yeah I know him. Why does he need to know when you’re free?”

You couldn’t help squirming under Bucky’s unwavering gaze, guilt building within you even though you and Bucky were no more than friends, that the reason you were doing this was to stop the blossoming feelings for him but hey, when did emotions ever make an ounce of sense?

“Um, well - we’re kinda going on a date…” You bite your lip, trying to conceal all traces of shame those words roused in you.

Bucky felt his world crumble apart at your words. The pain in his chest sharp like someone was twisting a hot blade deeper and deeper into his beating heart. The inevitable was finally happening and it felt so much worse than Bucky could have ever anticipated. Of course, not a trace of this crossed his face, being an assassin for the past 70 years had given him many skillsets and being able to mask emotions, even excruciating heartbreak, was one of them.

Giving you a forced smile Bucky wished you a good time on your date. “Well, you kids have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

You snorted at this but you felt  _something_  shift between you at the news, your heart sinking as you thought about how much you rather be going on a date with him instead. You both turned back to the film, both unsuccessfully attempting to focus on the screen rather than the thoughts racing through your heads telling you that what was happening was a huge mistake that needed to be stopped.

Neither of you listened to those screaming voices.


	4. Like I Can

> _Why are you looking down all the wrong roads_  
>  When mine is the heart and the soul of the song  
> There may be lovers who hold out their hands but  
> He’ll never love you like I can, can, can

Bucky had tried to convince himself that he had nothing to worry about, that the date would be a complete and utter failure and that you’d see Chad for the colossal twat that he is and rid yourself of him before things got messy. But then a first date turned to a second and then a third and you still showed no signs of breaking things off with him and every time you came back home to the tower with a beaming smile on your face telling him about how sweet Chad had been on your date and how you thought you found a keeper, Bucky could have sworn he felt his world crumble under him. And when you didn’t return to the tower until the next morning, a coy smile on your face as you greeted Bucky with a kiss on the cheek, he was certain his breakfast was going to make a reappearance.

Unwilling to stand in the way of your happiness - the only thing Bucky ever wanted, even if he wasn’t the direct cause of it - he resided himself to the side-lines, not once interfering or telling you what was on his mind, bottling up everything he felt and locking it away deep inside himself never to be seen again. He tried so damn hard to push his feelings aside, to focus on his friendship with you, after all that was all it was ever going to amount to.  

But still, Bucky couldn’t help but compare the way he saw Chad treat you to the way he would, given half the chance. It wasn’t that Chad treated you bad per se, but you deserved so much more than what he gave you. Bucky saw you as ethereal, walking starlight, so beautifully rare that you deserved to be worshipped. Chad never made any special effort to learn your interests whereas Bucky knew every single one. Chad never bothered with the little things but Bucky had recipes saved to his phone that he wanted to make for you, he knew just how you liked your coffee, he knew that you loved to sit and watch the rain roll down the windows and he loved to watch you do it.

Bucky couldn’t help but notice that Chad failed to give you so many things that you ought to have, things that he would be more than willing to give you; if you were Bucky’s he wouldn’t go a single day without reminding you he loved you, he’d take you on late-night walks around the city because he knew you loved to be out in the dark, he’d play with you hair when you watched tv and revel in the purrs you emitted knowing that – even though you would never admit it – you secretly loved when you had your hair played with. He’d take you to all your favourite places in the city just so he had the pleasure of watching your face light up, he’d take you on trips to all the countries you wanted to visit, already knowing the list by heart.

Bucky would treat you as if you were the single greatest thing he had ever seen, and to him you were. You were the beacon of light and hope that pulled him out of the darkness and gloom that was his past. Because you were his future; it was that simple for him.

But instead, he was forced to watch with disdain as Chad lead you on yet another half-assed date, knowing he was only doing this because of his physical desire for you – nothing more. Chad didn’t care about the way your nose scrunched up when you laughed, he didn’t notice the way you curled your hair around your finger when you were tired, he never took notice of all the small, amazing things that made you  _you_  because they didn’t matter to him like they did to Bucky.

But still, Bucky remained silent, not once telling you how he felt about you. He absolutely refused to be the cause of your upset and if Chad brought you any semblance of happiness like he seemed to do then Bucky refused to jeopardise that. Instead, he would put himself through the continuous agony of watching you in the arms of another man who he knew could never love you like Bucky could.


	5. Leave Your Lover

> _Don’t you see what I can bring_  
>  Can’t keep this beating heart at bay  
> Set my midnight sorrow free  
> I will give you all of me  
> Just leave your lover, leave him for me  
> 

Bucky observed you as you ate your breakfast, your eyes dull and unfocused as you lost yourself to your thoughts and Bucky’s concern for you only grew; after your last date with Chad, you’d come home a mess, tears streaming down your face as you raced to your room and you hadn’t been yourself since. He watched as you mindlessly picked at the food on your plate, debating in his mind what the best way to help you was but coming up short for an answer.

Obviously, when he first saw you come home that night, he followed you straight to your room, wrapping his arms around you as you collapsed into his chest, body wracked with sobs as you let all your guards down around Bucky. You didn’t say a single word, simply burrowed your face into Bucky’s chest until you passed out from your crying; Bucky was determined to take the opportunity to hunt Chase down and make him pay for what he did to you, the tears he caused, but as he tried to detach your hand from the grip they had on his shirt, you pulled him closer, pleading with him to stay with you and so he did.

You woke up the next morning with puffy eyes and tear stains on your mattress, Bucky still beside you just like he promised he would be and your heart fluttered at the sight, wishing it was Bucky that you got to wake up to every morning but you knew that Bucky didn’t see you like that, he was still recovering and he needed all the friends he had, he sure as hell didn’t need you making him uncomfortable with your silly crush.

You began dating Chad as a distraction, a very needed distraction, needing someone to channel your emotions onto and Chad was working well so far. Until last night, that is. You had no idea why his words affected you so much, it wasn’t like you were in love with him; his opinion on you didn’t weight as heavily as other peoples did, that was for sure.

But you supposed an attack on your appearance only served to fuel the feelings of inadequacy you already suffered with; you sure as hell wouldn’t be good enough for Bucky and now Chad was informing you that you weren’t good enough for him too.

You left Bucky in bed, still soundly sleeping, as you made your way towards the kitchen to make breakfast. Turning around from the fridge, you jumped when you saw Bucky standing there, arms crossed against his chest as if he was scolding you. The expression on his face, however, made it clear he was nothing but concerned and you found it difficult to maintain his stare, choosing instead to look at the tiles as you poured your juice in silence.

Bucky didn’t leave as you finished eating, a small part of you wishing he had so that you could avoid his inevitable questioning, instead he sat across from you and studied your every move. You could practically hear his mind whirring as he tried to figure out what had happened last night but you only wanted to forget all about it.

“What did he do?” His voice was soft but you could hear the hidden edge underneath his words, an anger bubbling beneath the surface that wasn’t aimed at you.

You let out a sigh, knowing there was no point even thinking about lying to Bucky, the man could read you like a book; “It’s nothing, I just – do you think I need to change? And be brutally honest here…”

To say Bucky looked completely perplexed would be the understatement of the century. “What are you talking about? Change? Why would you want to change Doll?” Bucky was practically screeching at you, unable to understand any of what you were saying but knowing he wouldn’t like your answer.

“It’s just that, when we went out to dinner last night, Chad starting flirting with the waitress and she was flirting back and I told him I thought it was rude and he completely flipped out, saying how I should be more like her and not so uptight all the time and then he started going on about how if I put more effort into my appearance then maybe he wouldn’t feel the need to flirt with strangers.”

Bucky was  _livid_.

He could tell by the way your words poured from you that your insecurities were flooding you right now and in that moment, he wanted nothing more than to kill Chad for making you feel so flawed. Closing his eyes shut and taking a steady breath to try and calm himself Bucky returned his attentions to you, knowing that you, more than anything, needed to hear the truth – that Chad was completely out of line and everything he had said was utter bullshit.

Moving to sit next to you, Bucky instinctively pulled your hands into his, playing with your fingers as his eyes locked on yours, unwilling to let you look away for even a second. Bucky needed you to see the truth in his eyes as he told you this; “Y/N, Doll, there isn’t a single thing about you that I would change. You’re perfection and if Chad can’t see that then it’s his problem.”

“You really think so?” You sniffled out, your heart-warming at the thought of Bucky viewing you as perfect but you quickly reminded yourself that he viewed you as a perfect  _friend_. Nothing more. You couldn’t line yourself up for that kind of heartbreak.

“Doll, of course you’re perfect. You’re the most kind-hearted person I’ve ever met, you go above and beyond for all of your friends like its nothing, you’re strong and intelligent and you’re unbelievably stunning. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.”

Your heart skipped a beat with every word Bucky said, a glimmer of hope growing within you that maybe, just maybe, he may feel the way about you that you do about him. Without realising you had both started leaning closer to each other with every word Bucky spoke, lips nearly brushing each other’s as your eyes fluttered closed.

You both snapped apart when the sound of someone calling your name met your ears, face flushing as you realised you were just about to kiss Bucky Barnes, the only man you’d wanted to kiss since you’d met him. With a clear of your throat, you turned to the source of the call, finding Chad walking into the kitchen with a guilty look on his face and a bouquet of roses in his hand.

“Chad! H-hi, what are you doing here?” You stuttered out, very aware of the fact that Bucky was still sitting beside you.

“I came to apologise baby, I was outta line last night and I’m so sorry. God, I hate it when we fight,” Chad said, not a hint of remorse in his tone.

Chad moved to the other seat beside you and Bucky took this as his opportunity to leave, berating himself for almost giving in to his desires like that and risking losing you. He left unnoticed, listening to Chads half-ass attempt at an apology he knew wasn’t sincere, tears burning in his eyes as he wanted nothing more than to treat you better than Chad ever would, wanting nothing more than you to tell Chad to leave and never come back, wanting him to be the one you loved.


	6. Life Support

> _I've been waiting for an answer_  
>  Because I built this bed for two  
>  I'm just waiting on your answer  
>  I built this bed for me and you
> 
> _Could you see that I am yours?  
>  So will you be my life support?  
>  You're my life support_

Ever since your fight with Chad nothing had ever really been the same; there was something that just felt off about the whole thing, like he was trying _too_ hard to be perfect. Like it was all an act. You tried to push those thoughts aside, tried to focus more on the fact that he brought you fresh flowers every day and the fact that you two hadn’t had a single argument since then but you couldn’t escape the feeling that it was all so forced.

You knew you didn’t love Chad, how could you when you were pathetically in love with your best friend? But that didn’t mean you weren’t going to try to love him, or at least use him in order to move on from Bucky. Not your most elegant move, you knew that, but you were becoming more desperate for release from your growing feelings for Bucky every time you saw him.

The illusion of your ‘perfect’ relationship completely shattered when you walked into Chad’s apartment, you had finished your work load for the day sooner than expected and decided to head over to his earlier than you had planned as you were going out for dinner that night, or at least you were supposed to be.

The front door was unlocked and you let yourself in like you had done a hundred times before, only this time Chad wasn’t sitting on the couch watching TV, nor was he in the kitchen fixing a drink. No, this time Chad was very clearly keeping someone very _occupied_ in his bedroom.

His groans and his _guest’s_ moans filled the air, only getting louder the closer you got to his bedroom door, your blood boiling with the betrayal you felt. Pushing the door open, you were met with the sight of Chad and the waitress he couldn’t help but want you to be in throes of passion, completely oblivious to your presence until you loudly cleared your throat, watching as the struggled to untangle themselves from each other, scrambling to cover what little decency they had left with the bed sheet.

“Y/N, Babe I-” Chad tried to stutter out some bullshit explanation but you weren’t standing for a second of it.

“Oh no, please, continue. I sure as hell won’t be interrupting you again,” You cut him off, snarling at them both as you turned on your heel, slamming every door behind you and practically marching back to the tower.

You didn’t even think twice about seeking out Bucky, finding him lounging in his room head buried in some book you had recommended before he looked up at your sudden entrance, brows furrowing in concern as you made your way over to him. Bucky had been distancing himself these past few days, the pain of seeing you with Chad too much for him to bare - especially when he knew you weren’t truly happy - but seeing you come to him with tears in your eyes pushed every single idea of distancing himself out of his mind, his concern for you overriding every thought he had.

“Y/N, Doll, what’s wrong?” You collapsed into Bucky’s awaiting arms, burying yourself in the familiar warmth of his chest as your body wracked with sobs. “Babygirl, please talk to me,” Bucky pleaded, his arms encasing your form, pulling you even closer to him as he soothingly stroked up and down your back to try and quell your cries.

“Ch-Chad cheated on me, I just walked in on them fucking each other’s brains out,” You stammered out, choking on your tears, voice thick with emotion and slightly muffled as you were still pressed tightly into Bucky’s chest but you knew he had heard you as every muscle in his body tensed, the super solider going completely rigid beneath you as an intense anger overtook him.

Knowing that right now you didn’t need revenge, you needed comfort, Bucky said nothing instead pressing his lips to the crown of your head and tightening his arms around you. You didn’t know why exactly you were so upset by Chad’s adultery, it wasn’t as if you were deeply in love with him, your heart belonged to Bucky that much you were certain, but still here you were.

Maybe it was because now the distraction was over, you would be forced to once again confront your every growing attachment to the super soldier. Or maybe it was the fact that being cheated on was just plain painful regardless of how emotionally invested you were in the relationship; it was humiliating and degrading and instead of just ending it he decided to go behind your back and make you look a fool. Nevertheless, all ties you once held with Chad were cut completely.

It was strange how quickly things reverted to how they used to be, you and Bucky once again becoming inseparable and soon it was if Chad had never been a part of your life. Everything went back to how they used to be, how they were _supposed_ to be; Bucky was your partner on missions, he was who you sat next to at breakfast and dinner, whenever you needed to talk he was there, whenever he had a nightmare he’d crawl into _your_ bed and seek _your_ embrace.

You were the person he went to for everything: if he needed comfort he’d search for you, if he heard a funny story you were the first person he thought about telling, if Sam pulled another prank on him then you were the one he complained to. You were more than a part of his life, you were becoming part of _him_ and Bucky decided to not let you slip out of his grasp again, not caring how selfish he was being by doing so.

But nothing ever goes to plan. Especially for Bucky it would seem.

It was supposed to be a simple mission, in-and-out for the information before anyone could even notice where you were. But what was supposed to be an abandoned base of operations was anything but empty, there were agents at every corner of the building and the team was thrown into active combat whilst being completely unprepared for it.

You and Bucky were on the south side of the building, fighting in perfect sync as always like a well-oiled machine. Until the explosion sounded behind you with no warning and you and Bucky were both flung forward by the impact, your skull making direct impact with the ground with a sickening crack.

Bucky wasted no time in taking out the rest of the agents, a slight glimmer of his former Winter Soldier-self shining through as he mercilessly killed any agent that came near your unconscious form. Once he had disposed of every agent around him, he dropped to his knees in front of you, checking your pulse and heaving a sigh of relief at the faint _thud-thud_ of your heart under his fingertips before he took to his coms, calling in that you had been hurt and that immediate evac was needed, his voice frantic as he shouted out to anyone that could hear him.

Steve ordered everyone to head back to the jet, the mission was a bust and now their main priority was getting you to med-bay for treatment. Bucky gently lifted your limp body from the ground, cradling you to his chest as he took off for the quinjet, running light on his feet as to not jostle you any further than he had to.

The rest of the team weren’t far behind and Bruce tried to do as much as he could to stabilize you before you got to Dr. Cho, Bucky’s hand not leaving yours once the entire journey back to base, his sole concern being you and only you, his heart beating wildly against his ribcage as his mind raced with all the possibilities of what could happen to you, dark visions filling his head that made his hand cling tighter to yours.

Cho was waiting with her team when you landed and Bucky watched as they swept you away to where he couldn’t follow, forcing him to pace around the waiting room of the medical centre with the rest of the team, everyone eyeing him with concern but now knowing what to say to pacify the assassin, their own worry for you building with every passing minute where they were left staring at the ticking hand of the clock.

Two hours later and Cho emerged from you room, Bucky leaping to her at her entrance, desperate to hear any news about you.

“She’s going to be ok; the injuries to her head lead to a concussion but she should wake up within the next few hours, there’s no brain damage and she sustained no other injuries apart from a few cuts and bruises. We could try to wake her now but it’s best she sleeps through and wakes naturally. You can go in and see her if you want?”

Helen hadn’t even finished asking before Bucky was marching into your room, the rest of the Avengers heaving a sigh of relief and deciding to let you and Bucky be, knowing that he would be spending the rest of the night by your side, not moving until you were awake again.

The sight of you hooked up to so many machines all keeping track of your vitals made Bucky’s stomach twist into knots, taking the seat next to your bed as his eyes roamed over every inch of you, taking in the small gash on our forehead, the bruise forming on your cheek and the cut on your lip. He kept reminding himself over and over that you were going to be alright; you were strong, he knew that better than anyone, you’d pull through this in no time and be back with him before he knew it.

And then he’d tell you. Tell you just how much he loved every single thing about you because he couldn’t risk going another day where you didn’t know that he was head over heels in love with you.

Bucky’s head snapped up from where it had been laying on your bed, realising that he must have fallen asleep some time during the night as he groggily took in his surroundings; the bright white walls, the beeping of the machines, you sat up, staring back at him with an arched brow and amused smile. 

_Wait. You were awake?_

“Y/N!” Bucky jumped up, his arms wrapping around you as he brought you in to a bone-crushing hug before he remembered you were indeed injured and quickly let you go, brows furrowed as he searched you for any sign of pain but only seeing your smiling face.

“Oh my god! Are you alright? Did I hurt you? How long have you been awake? Do you need a doctor? I can go and get-”

“Bucky! I’m fine!” You cut off his never-ending questioning, calming him down enough to sit back in the chair once more and taking his hand in yours, “Cho’s already been in, I’m all good I promise, she’s just sorting through some papers and then I can leave, I just didn’t want to wake you.”

“God, I was so worried about you, you just- you wouldn’t wake up you know? And then I started to panic thinking you would never wake up and then I started thinking about all the things I never told you and…”

Bucky trailed off, watching as you traced circles on his flesh hand to calm him down, looking up at you with tear-filled eyes as he saw the worry for him swimming in your own.

“Y/N, I love you.”


	7. I've Told You Now

> _But what the hell_  
>  Why do you think I come 'round here on my free will?  
>  Wasting all my precious time  
>  Oh, the truth spills out  
>  And oh I  
>  I've told you now

“ _Y/N, I love you_.”

Your mouth fell open at Bucky’s confession, unable to comprehend what exactly he was saying, hearing the words but incapable of processing them. You felt nauseous as shock overtook your system, ears ringing until the only thing you could hear was the rapid beating of your heart.

_Bucky Barnes_ loves you.

Bucky Barnes loves _you_.

_Holy fuck_.

Bucky could only watch as you sat silent in front of him, praying for you to say something – _anything_ \- and at the same time fearing it all the same. He watched as your mouth formed words, trying so desperately to speak but no sound coming from it, his hands becoming clammy and his heart rate accelerating the longer you both remained in silence.

As the silence stretched on Bucky’s hopes you felt the same grew smaller and smaller until they shattered completely at your words.

“You love me?” You asked, voice scratchy and thick with emotion.

Bucky withdrew his hand from yours as if it had burnt him, refusing to meet your gaze and not noticing your face fall as he leapt from his seat, the chair nearly falling backwards with the force of it. “I’m sorry, I never should have said anything, I’m just – I’m sorry Y/N,” He muttered, completely flustered as he practically fled the room, heart breaking with every step he took.

Watching his retreating form, you were forced from your shocked stupor as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice over you, your body snapping up as you frantically tried to stop him from leaving, the wires and drips still attached to you preventing you from chasing after him, leaving you to desperately call after the man you love and hope he would come back to you.

He didn’t.

In fact, Bucky avoided you like you were the plague. He never left his room unless he was certain he wasn’t going to run into you, he removed himself from all team activities, he never gave you the chance to tell him that you loved him too.

You had tried everything, you even had the whole team and FRIDAY to try and trick him into seeing you but he never fell for it, eventually he started avoiding the team as well and you knew this had to be fixed. This wasn’t your fault per se, it had just stunned you to your core when you heard him say those words, you had never known of Bucky’s feelings and you sure as hell hadn’t seen it coming. You had honestly thought your concussion had caused you to hallucinate for a split second.

It had been nearly two weeks since Bucky had told you he loved you and you were sulking in your room when you heard FRIDAY inform you that he had left his quarters but she didn’t know where he was going.

“Do you want me to track him Miss?”

“No thanks, FRIDAY. I know he’ll go back to his room at some point, I’ve just got to wait.”

You practically sprinted to Bucky’s room, looking up and down the hallway as you waited for him to return, leaning against the wall as your leg bounced with nerves. It wasn’t long until you saw him making his way to his door, stopping in his tracks when he saw you, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Before he had the chance to turn on his heel and ignore you, you were pushing away from the wall and standing before him, heart thudding in your chest as you struggled to think of what to actually say to him.

It was a strange feeling being nervous around Bucky, although you had harboured feelings for him for so long you had never once felt anxious, everything just seemed to come natural for you.

“You’ve been ignoring me, I’ve been trying to talk to you,” You cursed yourself for how shaky your voice was, threatening to crack at any moment.

“Thought it would be for the best,” Bucky replied, voice gruff and it was clear he was just as uncomfortable as you were.

You took a step forward, tears threatening to spill when he instinctively took a step backwards, “I miss you.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed at your words, hands twitching at his sides as he watched your eyes glass over with tears as if he wanted to reach out for you but was restraining himself.

“Buck, I am so _so_ sorry. I never meant to freeze up on you like that, you just shocked the hell out of me, I mean I never expected you to ever feel the same way and then you were saying you loved me and I just panicked; I didn’t think it was real and then you were leaving and you wouldn’t come back and I never got to tell you I love you too,” You rushed out, the damn finally breaking as you broke down in front of Bucky, choking on your sobs as tears stained your cheeks.

You had your eyes squeezed shut when you felt the gentle touch of Bucky’s hands on your face, wiping the tears away as he cupped your jaw forcing you to look at him, your eyes fluttering open at the gesture and being met with the soft, hopeful look that was painted across Bucky’s face.

“You love me?” He murmured, a small smile gracing his lips.

“Of course I love you.”

Before either of you could say anything more, the door to Bucky’s bedroom opened, a beautiful woman standing in the doorway who lit up when her eyes landed on Bucky.

“Bucky, there you are! I was wondering when you were coming back,” She said cheerfully.

You stiffened at the sight of the beautiful woman emerging from Bucky’s room who was very clearly expecting him, pulling out of his embrace as your mind raced at a mile a minute trying to process everything that was happening.

“Doll, it’s not-”

“I should go,” You whispered, turning on your heel as you ran back to your room, ignoring Bucky’s protests as you did.


	8. Stay With Me

> _Oh, won't you stay with me?_   
>  _'Cause you're all I need_   
>  _This **is** love it's clear to see_   
>  _So darling, stay with me_

You collapsed against the door as soon as it closed, bringing your knees to your chest as you tried to figure out what exactly was going on; was Bucky saying he loved you really just a trick of our mind? Did he not mean it? Is that why he’d been avoiding you? Had he been with that girl the entire time he was avoiding you? What if he started dating her when you were with Chad and never got around to telling you?

Your mind conjured a thousand and one different scenarios, each one worse than the last, your stomach twisting into knots at the thought of Bucky and that beautiful woman laughing at your foolishness. However, they all came to a screeching halt when you heard someone pounding on your door, the wood shaking beneath your back at the force.

“Y/N, open the door, please! You’ve got it all wrong, just- just let me explain, _please_ ,” Bucky pleaded to you, voice tinged with desperation and you knew no matter what the outcome you definitely needed this whole thing explained to you.

You slowly dragged yourself up from the floor, steadying yourself before you pulled the door open, Bucky nearly falling on you as he was resting his forehead against it and stumbling into your room, arms automatically wrapping around your waist as his optimistic gaze met yours only serving to make you even more confused.

“Y/N…” Bucky breathed out before his lips met yours in a tentative kiss, quickly pressing against yours softly before pulling away, the both of you staring at each other until you quickly moved to press your lips against his again, not caring in the slightest about anything else, he was yours in this moment and you were going to take it, his lips moving against yours frantically as if trying to _show_ you just how much he loved you.

When the need for air became too much, you pulled away, lips swollen and chest heaving as you recovered from your passionate embrace, Bucky’s hair in complete disarray from the way your hands at tugged at it.

“You love me?”

“Of course I love you Buck, I’ve always loved you,” You murmured, watching as a dazzling smile lit up Bucky’s face and he pulled you into his arms, heaving a sigh of relief at hearing you say those magic words that meant the absolute world to him.

“I love you too Doll, so damn much. That woman you saw, it’s not what it looks like I swear; she’s my therapist, I called her because I needed to know what to do, I couldn’t keep ignoring you forever. She told me that I needed to hear you out and I went to find you but you were already coming to find me. I’m sorry I ran away babydoll, I just thought you didn’t love me back and I couldn’t believe I risked everything.”

“It’s not your fault Buck, hell I just did the exact same thing. And I’m sorry I froze on you, I was just so shocked, I didn’t know if it was real or not. But I do love you Bucky, more than anything.” Your thumbs brushed the tears away that managed to escape, Bucky offering you a watery smile which you could only return.

“What about Chad?” Bucky murmured, his warm breath hitting your face with every word.

You faintly chuckled at the question, shaking your head at your own stupidity; “I never loved Chad, I was just using him I guess, as a distraction. I realised I was falling for you and I didn’t think you’d feel the same and I sure as hell didn’t want to make you uncomfortable so I tried to shift those feelings onto someone else – fat lot of good it did me.”

“So you’re telling me, we wasted this whole time not being together because we weren’t honest with each other and tried to second guess each other’s feelings?” Bucky asked incredulously, resting his forehead against yours as if he couldn’t bear to be even that far away from you.

You let out a disbelieving laugh at the truth of his words, the both of you realising just how foolish you’d been, “Yeah I guess so.”

Bucky’s hand found yours as he lifted it in front of both your faces, holding out his pinky finger to you as you arched a brow at him. “Promise me we’ll never do anything this stupid again, we’ll always tell each other everything no matter what. I don’t want to lose any more time being afraid.”

“I promise.” You grinned as you wrapped your pinky finger around his, binding you to Bucky with the promise of your future together.

His free hand cupped your jaw as your entwined fingers fell to your sides. “I love you so much doll,” he sighed out against your lips and you knew you would never grow tired of hearing those words fall from his lips.

“I love you too Bucky.”


	9. Lay Me Down

> _Can I lay by your side, next to you, to you_  
>  _And make sure you’re alright_  
>  _I’ll take care of you,_  
>  _And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight_

Bucky had returned from his mission in the dead of night, the compound silent as he said his farewells to Steve and made his way to his room where he knew you were waiting for him. It had been four months since you’d both lay everything on the table and neither of you could have been happier, it was as if everything had changed and yet nothing was different.

The two of you had always been close but Bucky had only come to realise just how close when you admitted your feelings for one another and nothing could really progress; you already spent every moment you could together, you were already so comfortable in each other’s presence, hell, you already spent most nights in each other’s beds. No, the only tangible difference between then and now was how much more  _intimate_  these moments between you felt.

As he made his way silently into his quarters, Bucky noticed the clock in the hall informing him it was a little past midnight but the sound of the radio coming from the living room let him know you were still awake, just like he knew you would be. You always waited up for Bucky to come home from missions, claiming that it was just too hard to sleep when he wasn’t there and he understood exactly what you meant; when he was forced away from you, sleep seemed to allude him, as if part of him was missing and his body refused to rest until he had you back.

Standing in the doorway, Bucky simply let himself watch you for a few peaceful moments, his eyes trailing over your form that was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, book in your hands as your eyes fought hard to stay open, lids drooping every few seconds. A content smile formed on Bucky’s lips as an indescribable feeling of warmth washed over him, gazing at you sitting so peacefully waiting for his return, Bucky knew he had found his home with you.

Pushing off the doorframe, Bucky walked further into the room, catching your attention and grinning when you launched yourself from the sofa into his arms, your own glee evident on your face as you finally had him back where he belonged.

You both stood like that for what felt like hours, your head tucked under Bucky’s, arms wrapped tightly around his neck as you pulled his body closer to yours, relieved that he was finally home with you. Bucky sighed into your hair, pressing a kiss to your forehead before breaking the serene silence, “I missed you doll.”

“I missed you too Buck,” You muttered into the leather of his tactical vest, shifting so you were staring up into his eyes that were filled with nothing but love that you knew was mirrored in your own gaze.

Tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear, Bucky pressed one more kiss to your crown, “Come on doll, let’s go to bed.”

You both padded to the bedroom, Bucky heading to the bathroom to freshen up as you pulled back the covers and settled in, waiting for him to return before you could finally drift off into the sleep that was so urgently calling for you.

Bucky exited the bathroom wearing nothing but a fresh pair of boxers and your brows furrowed when you saw the bruises littering his skin, knowing that they would heal in no time did nothing to quell the uneasy feeling in your stomach knowing he’d been hurt at all.

Settling down beside you, Bucky automatically pulled you into his arms, your head resting on his chest as your fingers softly traced the purple marks on his ribs. “’S’nothing to worry over doll, I’m fine. Promise.”

“I know you are, it’s just – I don’t like you being hurt.”

Entwining his fingers with yours, Bucky lifted your hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back before stroking his thumb over it in soothing circles. “I know doll; I feel the same whenever you go out on missions too.”

For a moment, there was nothing but a comfortable silence settling between you, the delicate sounds of your breathing and the strong beating of Bucky’s heart under your ear the only things you could hear and you basked in the fact that it was just you and Bucky.

“Can I tell you something?”

You giggled at how he sounded, as if you were children who were about to reveal who they were crushing on but nodded your head nonetheless. “You can tell me anything Buck, you know that.”

“Yeah I know, it’s just this is a little crazy is all, I don’t want you to think I’m stupid or anything,” You could hear the slight tinge of insecurity in his voice and knew that whatever he wanted to tell you meant a lot to him.

Leaning up on your elbows, you cupped his face in your hand, brushing your thumb over his cheek as you gently shook your head. “I’d never think that Bucky, whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“Back before everything, when I was a kid in the 40’s, I knew you,” You watched as he swallowed harshly, refusing to meet your gaze as he stared at the ceiling, your brows furrowing in confusion, “Not what you looked like or your name or anything and I sure as hell didn’t know I’d be meeting you 70 years later – it was more like I had this sense that there was someone out there for me, just for me, I used to drag Stevie to every club in Brooklyn in the hopes I’d find you and I just  _knew_  that one day I’d make it to you.”

His voice was getting thicker with emotion as he went on: “And then the war happened and then HYDRA happened and no matter what I never forget about you, but I saw what I became. I wasn’t who I used to be and I thought you were a part of my past, a past that I never really got and I was actually ok with that. I  _never_  wanted you to see me like this. But then after everything, Steve brought me back here and then it happened: you walked through those doors and I could have sworn everything just stopped for a split second. It all just fell into place and you were right there in front of me after everything.”

You could feel tears burning in your eyes as you heard what he said, not bothering wiping them away as they rolled down your cheeks, “And now we’re here. After everything, I finally made it to you doll, I’m here laying by your side and I swear if going through all of that meant I could be here with you then so be it.”

Bucky’s thumb wiped away the tears staining your skin, his own eyes glossy with unshed tears he was trying so hard to keep from falling and you gave him a watery smile as you clung to his hand, cradling it to your face as you chocked back a sob.

“Bucky…” You shakily breathed out before pressing your lips against his in a tender kiss, the salty taste of your tears lingering on your lips but you couldn’t care in the slightest.

“I don’t know what to say, you – you’re  _everything_  to me. I don’t know what I’d be if I’d never met you Buck. I love you more than anything James,” You declared with the upmost conviction, forcing him to look in your eyes so he could see the truth burning there. “And I don’t think your stupid; you were made for me like I was made for you.”

Bucky let out a soft chuckle at your words, cupping your neck and bringing your lips back to his.

“I love you too Y/N, more than anything.”

With a smile, you rested your head back on his chest, legs tangled together as you both succumbed to the sleep that was desperate to claim you, your hand resting on Bucky’s heart and Bucky smiled knowing belonged to you anyway.


End file.
